2016 New Years Resolutions

Because I always try to document here what my NY Resolutions are going to be, even though I rarely post, I have to come here to make my proclamation for 2016.

This year, I am going for broke.

RESOLUTION #1: LOSE WEIGHT

Joining the new and improved Weight Watchers again. Oprah's commercial inspired me, what can I say? I need the accountability of a meeting, and the structure of a weekly weigh-in, so I will be checking out the meeting schedule at the storefront near my office. After-work meetings it will be!

RESOLUTION #2: EXERCISE REGULARLY

I joined the small but functional gym at work in the summer -- it's $22/month and includes a pool. Time to get my money's worth. My feet and back will thank me. Again, after-work sessions it will be!

I feel good about both of these, because if I learned anything from the year of Abby's obedience classes last year, it's that I actually do well with after-work learning activities. I usually just go home and we all lay around until bedtime, but having something to do instead turned out to be pretty fun.

RESOLUTION #3: SAVE MONEY

We've gotten really, really bad about this. Time to turn around the ship. That includes all the eating out, and poor grocery shopping. I can do it a lot more frugally than I have been.

And...that's it. It's enough. Anything extra that improves in my life will probably be due to the three items above. Haha, maybe I'll have more energy to come back here and finish the KonMari series (I still love my organized and streamlined house, by the way).

Do any of you have resolutions for 2016?

The Snowball Effect

Babyfriend and I have the same taste in shoe color.

About a month ago, inspired by my buddy Helen, I decided to join a team weight loss thing --although mine is at my fancy gym. I hadn't been there in months and months, and I wanted to try going again but I didn't know how to start. The promotion is 90-Day Challenge from August 3 to November 3. There is an optional weekly weigh-in (or just weigh in at the beginning and end), and the option to sign up for an extra 10,000-Steps-A-Day Challenge, which I did. There's huge prizes for the winner (it's a nationwide contest since it's a nationwide gym), but the biggest enticement for me was Try It Tuesdays. Every Tuesday there is a free class, sometimes about food but most of it are sample classes in TRX, yoga, pilates, treadmill/cardio, etc. Here was my perfect opportunity to get into a gym routine AND to try exercises I never would on my own! The timing was not good initially -- I was headed for vacation, but I had to go for it.

So I did.

I weighed in, took a godawful "before" picture in a sports bra and shorts (I kind of hope I don't win just so I never have to show anyone that picture) and promptly left town.

Had a super-awesome vacation (which I will post pics of soon). But I was proud of myself there -- I didn't just shut down the whole Getting Skinny project because I was out of town. I tracked my food and drink every day, and I made smart choices and ate tons of fresh, local-grown fruits and veggies, and I tried hard to get as many steps as I could. I even went to a WW meeting during the week!

And laid on the beach for a day.

I felt great about it, and I met all my goals. I made the 10K target 4 out of 7 days, I lost a pound and a half, and I had an awesome, awesome vacation with my husband and friends (and Abby).

Then it was back to work, where I was promptly felled by the flu. The one day I stayed home sick, my Fitbit counted 1,054 steps for the WHOLE DAY. From bed to bathroom to kitchen to bed, hahaha. Luckily it cleared up after a couple of days.

This week is my first full week without vacation or sickness -- and my husband went out of town with his brother for the week. So while it is not quite "back to normal" it's darned close.

As I am sure you are all worried, I am here to say that Abby and I are managing okay in my husband's absence. I went out to the Try It Tuesday class (a lesson about and *at* the grocery store, which..okay, actually I did learn that just as I use real butter and full-fat cheese I should probably eat more low-fat and regular yogurt too; I bought some lemon flavored Noosa to try) and put her back in the crate after our post-work dog park trip, so she was off her nightly routine and didn't realize that Hubby wasn't there and wasn't coming home until pretty late that night. I am sure there will be more pouting by the door tonight. She just lays next to it, and sadly rings the bells with one slow swipe of her paw. Chime, chime, where's Daddy? Chime, chime...I couldn't take it and took her upstairs to bed early. She was fine after that.

As for me, the cleaning ladies came yesterday, so I am doing my best to keep the house as spotless and unrumpled as when they left. The couch is still neatly stacked with pillows, half the bed is still made, and the kitchen counters are still empty. I'm going to see how long I can keep that up, just because I am a weirdo.

Not to jinx anything, but now that all my vacations are over and I am back to my regular work-a-day routines, my commitment to the 90-day challenge is starting to produce results. I've hit the 10K-step mark 5 days in a row, and for two of those I managed to get to the gym and figured out how to work the dumb treadmill.

I think I found a good way to get myself to do it -- if I don't make my 10K steps by 7pm, then I have to go to the gym and treadmill until they are done. If I can get my 10K in, I get a night off. So far the carrot/stick approach is working -- I'm a lot more conscious of how much I am moving/not moving during the day at the hospital, and I try to take Abby out for a long time and long walks in the park or around the neighborhood. If that fails, then I am getting in the habit of just popping over the gym and getting some sweat going.

Next Tuesday is a TRX class, which fills me with both dread and curiosity; there are only a couple of genuine fatties like me doing this challenge, so I feel pretty awkward and noticeable at the trial classes, but I am really grateful for the opportunity to just go and try out these things without having to commit to any of them. Yet. I'd love to find a couple of exercises from this that I can enjoy going forward. Once the challenge is over, the 10K thing won't be the main goal, and my hope is by then the habit of going to the gym several nights a week will be set, so mixing up my exercise routines and trying things other than walking will be the next adventure.

All in all, I am pretty happy with the way this is snowballing; I know myself, and incremental change that builds from one success at a time is how I change my habits best. I look back at myself a year ago -- I was hobbled from still-undiagnosed foot pain. I could barely get up the stairs! Then came the blessed appointment at the ortho, and a long, long winter of twice-a-week physical therapy, and then starting to take Abby to the dog park daily this spring, and then getting my Fitbit...and now I am finally at the point where walking 4-5 miles in a day doesn't cripple me for the rest of the week. Hell, I am starting to look forward to next week with Hubby's return so I can go to the gym even if I do make my steps! From my viewpoint of a year ago, it feels pretty damned miraculous that I got this far at all.

The competitive side of me is a little upset, I will admit. I've been watching the leaderboards for both challenges, and most of the people started out making their goals right on the first day. One person has already lost 11 pounds in three weeks! (I hate that person.) I have eased myself into it, because that's how I incorporate things into my habits. It's tough to see myself in the back of the pack on the scoreboard (the only people below me have already clearly dropped out) but I keep reminding myself that I just need to keep doing it.

Tortoise and the hare, tortoise and the hare.

Even if I don't win a prize, I definitely will have won.

The best selfie I have yet to take.

I Hate My Closet, Part 1

You guys. Have you ever gotten to the point where you despise every piece of clothing in your closet?

I thought so. I am there right now.

This has been a long journey to get here; long-time readers of LFD remember the days when I was quite the shopper, finding deals and great new pieces on a regular basis. Then my weight went up, and up, and up, and up, and my interest in staying current in fashion went down, and down, and down, and down.

It wasn't just the weight gain that killed my interest in shopping and fashion. Another part of it was that I started to realize I had a full closet -- too much closet, really -- and I didn't NEED to buy anymore. If fact, I need to pare it down to the essentials so I could see what I really had. I donated boxes and boxes of clothes, and pretty much stopped buying new clothes. Gwynnie Bee has done an excellent job of keeping my closet fresh and my need for new items fulfilled.

But the last part, the biggest part, was the limited options available for plus-size mature adults with careers in conservative/traditional offices. I've complained before about "fat-girl" necklines, right? It drives me CRAZY -- it is SO HARD to find v-neck or boatneck or collared tops in plus-sizes. All the interesting shaped or print blouses always have this extra-wide round neckline that both goes too deep/wide and shows off too much skin at the chest, and weirdly sits too far back on the neck and shows off a lot of shoulder/back. Fat-girl neck leaves a huge circle of skin showing, and it does not look professional at all. Additionally, usually it is also a loose blouse so it shifts around if you have to, say, wear a name badge clipped to your neckline, or carry a purse on your shoulder. I am forever triple-checking to make sure my bra strap isn't showing (and it often is, dammit).

Examples of fat-girl necklines:

See what I mean? That's not a vee or a scoop or even a boatneck neckline. It's just...there.

My joke whenever I see a fat-girl neckline: "Hey, my HEAD is a normal size. I don't need extra room to get the shirt over it."

The other problem is that finding a fitted top is nearly impossible. I look at the other plus-size women where I work, and we all have the same uniform: billowy blouse that ends past our hips, thus hiding any type of curve or shape we might have, and making us look bigger than we are. Or worse, the dreaded cascading cardigan which pretty much does the same thing. Everything is draped around us, like tenting on a wedding table. Like so:

You wouldn't know cascading/boyfriend cardigans went out of vogue a few seasons ago from looking at any plus-size department. It's all about hiding our shape -- which is actually MORE unflattering than wearing something too tight, in my opinion.

On the internet, if you want plus-size fitted, the only option I see are dresses. Gwynnie Bee has a weekly Members Post of their clients in mostly dresses, and it is all the same va-va-va-voom look; the girls all look lovely and shapely, but they are ALL in their 20s/30s, and none of it would be appropriate for a conservative office. On a personal note, dresses are no longer an option for me since my feet require orthopedic shoes now. I'm still struggling to find a pair I can wear with dresses -- heck, I still need a dressy pair to go with slacks. (That's another post for another day.)

So. I've been trapped in fashion-less hell -- black slacks, black sneakers (kill me now), billowy top or a long cardigan to hide under. On the most depressing days, it is the ubiquitous black cascading cardigan along with the black pants and shoes. I can't tell you how many plus-sized co-workers I have who wear the same thing -- and in some cases it's the same black cascading cardigan every single day. At my peak, I owned three myself.

And I get why; it's not about low self-esteem or not feeling like you are worth spending money on. I have spent a damn lot of money, and a damned lot of time shopping online and in person. But finding flattering, work-appropriate clothes in a size higher than XXL is a Herculean task, and after a while, you just get too discouraged to keep trying. So you stick with your limited choices, and you focus on other things.

Things I did while not giving a crap about my outfits:
-Enjoyed the freedom in the morning from having to try on multiple outfits, and spent it cuddling with my puppy instead.
-Replenished my makeup supply, and finally learned how to use primer and tinted moisturizer to even out my skin tone.
-Spent 6 months in physical therapy healing my fallen arches, and learned to love my sneakers.
-Played a lot of internet games. A LOT.
-Had occasional flashes of Fun Clothes when a good piece from Gwynnie Bee arrived. But most of their stuff has been filler for under the cardigan, which was okay by me.


Eventually, though, all that black was just too much, and it was time to do something about it. But that's for Part 2. ;-D

Where I've Been, Part II: Work, Life, Body Woes, and the Creative Slump

So here is the real reason I haven't been posting...

You guys, I have run out of things to say.

I don't have anything new to talk about. I know, right? Me, with no opinions to spout, no goofy outfit pictures to share, nothing at all??

But that's where I'm at, and have been for months.

I'm not really following fashion trends or blogs anymore; I still use Gwynnie Bee, and I have been continuing to edit my closet monthly. but I don't have a lot of time or inclination to take photos of my outfits or castoffs. I get lots of compliments at work so I assume I am still dressing well, but the obsession and interest in writing about my clothes or photographing them is gone.

(At least for now.)

I'm not really dieting, either. This hasn't really been a summer of good eats; lunch is whatever crap they have in the cafeteria, and Hubby is in charge of dinner now so it's a lot of grilled chicken or sausage with an occasional veggie when he remembers.

Exercise is a bust: I hurt my ankle a few months back, which my doctor assumed was a sprain and recommended I take it easy until it healed. Two months later I was back in her office, and now we are on the hunt to find out the source of the problem. Gout, stress fracture, rheumatoid arthritis and lupus have all been ruled out, and there are more blood tests and a trip to the rheumatologist coming up next.

On the plus side, I do love my new job. But my schedule has changed dramatically -- I go in much earlier than I used to, and I work 9-10 hours a day. Then I come home and take care of Abby while my husband takes a much-needed break. Doesn't leave a lot of time for creative ruminations, you know?

All of that together leads to stagnation on the Low Fat Dressing front, unfortunately. I do miss the interaction with my fellow bloggers and everyone who has commented over the years, so I am determined to keep up with you all on Feedly and try to comment on your blogs when I can, but for the time being this blog is going to go dark.

It's been a really great four years (egads, 4 YEARS?!) here. I've learned a lot about myself, my limits and my accomplishments, I've made many friends, both here and on YLF, and I've loved having this as a creative outlet and my internet home, so to speak. I so, so appreciate everyone who stuck with me, all the commenters and cheerleaders and just all-around nice people who stopped by and read whatever silliness I had to say. Thank you so much for reading.

And who knows what six months or a year will bring; maybe I will come back some day. Hubby did just get a new job, so our lives will be changing again in a few weeks. Who knows, maybe the shift will inspire me again. We'll see. That's why I won't be deleting the blog, just not updating it in the foreseeable future.

Thanks again, and good luck to you all!!

My Best Friend's Wedding

Last weekend was the long-awaited event: Shopping Friend got married!

Of course, because it was the two of us involved, the things I took the most photos of were our outfits; shoes, jackets, hair, makeup, and of course the dresses, got the bulk of the attention in my photos. (Actually, since I was in the wedding I mostly took photos of random things before and after the ceremony. They had a professional photographer doing the real stuff. :))

She had a couple of stylists come and do our hair and makeup, and that was absolutely amazing. It took me a bit to warm up to it, I will admit; I had my makeup done first, and I was a little skeptical while I waited for my turn for hair. I thought when I looked at myself in the camera that I looked a bit like (my idol) Hillary Clinton, and not in a good way.



Once I got in the chair and she started working on my hair, though, I realized it was because my hair was flat and unstyled that the makeup looked out of place. The styled hair pulled the whole look together nicely.


(Mid-do, I try to snap a photo to send to my husband.)

When we were all done, we got a couple of shots of all of us (that's Shopping Friend's Mom on the left), still in our street clothes.





You wouldn't know from our unhurried dawdling that there was only 20 minutes to go before she was walking down the aisle, would you? We kind of lost track of time for a bit...

There are no pictures after that, because it was a flurry of bras flying the air and Spanx getting tugged on and just complete chaos. Here, enjoy a photo of her lovely dress. The wedding planner put rose petals around it so it was the first thing we saw when we walked into the suite. Sweet, right?





And then she was married! It was a lovely, short ceremony, exactly what she wanted.

We went outside for photos. I goofed around with my husband and my other brides attendant (her best man, LOL) in a few shots.





Kicked off my shoes for a bit too. They were pretty and mostly comfortable, but it was a long day.



Some shots from the reception...





My husband, as is his thing, had to wear the veil, at least long enough for me to take some photos. He is always game to wear a silly hat, mostly for the amusement for the little kids around. I'm going to make a book of photos like this some day.





We convinced the bride to stick my husband's pipe in her mouth to lighten up a couple of poses, and I think we got some of her best photos ever.





My lovely, silly Shopping Friend. I'm so happy for you!!!

Now...you guys....

can we talk about my hair now? No lie, it was SPECTACULAR.









Unbelievable. I felt like a princess.

And it only took 27 bobby pins! I counted when I tugged them all out that night. ;-D

Once I got used to it, I have to say that my makeup was pretty awesome too. Never wore false eyelashes before. I loved 'em!







At the end of the wedding, we both switched into our sneakers (heh, it didn't dawn on either of us to bring cute comfortable shoes).





When everyone was gone, the little wedding party went to the bar across the street and had a beer. In our wedding attire and sneakers.




When I got home, we tried to get one full-body shot in the setting sun...



Then I got changed into a t-shirt and yoga pants and took a few more shots of my pretty 'do and makeup.









I don't think I will ever look or feel that pretty again. After all that anxiety about the dress, that is just about the last thing I thought I would feel. But I do.

Best of all, my friend married the love of her life.

All in all, it was a damned good day.

I miss my chin

This is an email conversation I had with my friend Jessie this morning.

Me: I am considering a blog entry too -- one of the nice things about Google Chrome is that now it carries over all my bookmarks from home to here. so I have the links I need to write one. The problem is the content I want to write is pretty Debbie Downer so I am not sure I should write it. Or maybe pull one of those no-comment moves, because I don't really want anyone chiming in. Even though I hate when people do that. 
Ugh. 

Jessie: Debbie Downer in the self-esteem department? Everyone gets to have no more than seven (7) of those days per annum. I don't think you've used up your allotment this year. 
Or are you Debbie Downer in just a life-in-general way?

Me: Hahaha, I may just include that HR-benefits joke into the post. 
Self-esteem. I am feeling very fat, I miss my chin and my hands, but I don't know that I am at the tipping point to do anything about it or if I just want to complain about it and magically wish it away. 

Jessie: At least you recognize that Magical Golf Cart Wishing* is a stage that is separate from doing something about it. I think that's a big and pivotal difference between you and other folks.

I really understand, and I think that you really understand the difference between having Debbie Downer feelings and wallowing for far longer than is actually productive. I think the people who enjoy reading your blog also have negative feelings or feel defeated, and even if you don't let them comment (you drama queen, yuk yuk wokka wokka), you'll be surprised by how many folks will understand and/or give you feedback like, "Even if you're feeling super cruddy, the way that you tackle every day with confidence and humor is very inspirational."

For example, I would say that.

++++++

*Magical Golf Cart Thinking came about a few years ago when a group of us went for a brisk walk through a nearby forest preserve. After about a half-hour of walking, a few people started grumbling about wishing for someone to come on by with a golf cart to pick us up and take us the rest of the way. Now it's become short-hand among my friends (okay, mostly Jessie, WINKIE) for the easy shortcut that does the work for us.

++++++

Jessie, by the way, is blogging (or boogerin', as we like to joke) over at We Need Your Help And/Or Pies, where you can read her special blend of wokka-wokka humor and genuine enthusiasm, thoughtfulness, smarts, and all-around awesomeness as she travels on her own weight-loss journey (and very successfully too, I must add). She is also a recent convert to Gwynnie Bee; someday I may convince her to post an outfit photo or two! (OMG, SHE DID!!!!)

She has left the Magical Golf Cart far behind her these days. It's pretty great to see.

++++++

Anyway. Back to the problem at hand: my hands. And my chin, singular. I miss them. I look down at the back of my hand and I don't recognize it anymore. Where are my tendons? I look at my outfit photos and pick the one to post not that has the most flattering outfit presentation but doesn't show the triple-chin explosion as much. 

Some days I don't have any photos that I want to post at all.

I tried reading Fat Acceptance blogs, and most days I am okay with how I look, but in the end...I don't want to be fat forever. I don't know if there's a "skinny" girl busting to get out of me, but I don't want to live the rest of my life like *this* either. 

Which brings me to my next problem: how do I get rid of all this extra weight? There are so many plans and options, and I have tried and failed at many of them. The craziest was Medifast, but of course that was the one that I lost the most. LoseIt, Weight Watchers, just trying eating less, that weight-loss challenge we did at work...even my doctor's come-to-Jesus talk last year didn't spur me into action. (Speaking of which, I have been putting off my annual physical to avoid THAT conversation. Can't do that for much longer!) 

I think I know what I want to do, but I don't want to verbalize yet -- because I don't think I can handle another public failure. And as much I like blogging and I appreciate everyone who reads and leaves helpful, funny, and/or encouraging comments, I am always aware of how public this is, and how embarrassing it is to fail in front of people. All I need to do is look at my tags some days and see all the failed diets and resolutions and dreams. Ugh.

And yet -- all that self-pity and dislike, and I am still not sure I am at the tipping point. Seems amazing, doesn't it? Seriously, I haven't hit rock bottom yet? 

No, I haven't. 

I know that I need to do something, and I am pretty sure I know how I want to do it. I just don't know yet that I WANT to do it. And that's the piece I cannot succeed without. 

So I am kind of hanging out at the edge of the cliff, peering out from time to time, watching my friends strapping into their gear and rapelling down the rocks. I wave to my other friends already at the bottom. I'm happy for all of them, and I cheer them on with genuine enthusiasm. 

But I still want that Magic Golf Cart to get me to the bottom of the cliff. I know it can't; I know that the real success in getting to the bottom of the cliff is in doing it myself, with my own sweat and hard work and commitment. 

Right now, that thought exhausts me. 

But some day soon, I hope it won't. That will be my tipping point day.

Until then, my chins and I will be here.

+++++

Comments on, because I don't want to turn them off and be a drama queen, but truly, I am not looking for a pep talk. I just wanted to write this out, get it off my chest. 

Happy Birthday to me!

Forty years ago, I made this plate.



(Kind of wish it had a piece of chocolate cake on it.)

So today I turn 45, which feels both impossible and exactly right. I hated my 20s (so much wasted opportunity and time), my 30s were the years I was figuring out this whole sharing-my-life-with-another-being thing and coming to terms with the fact I was never going to have a fancy high-powered career like so many of my prep school and Ivy League classmates. My 40s have been more about grappling with outward appearances -- trying to change my body, updating the way I look and present myself to the world -- and more importantly, about learning how to be a good friend. I've had so many girlfriends come in and out of my life: work and school friendships that fizzled over time and distance, ones I gave up on purposefully, women I still love and miss and yet don't make the effort to get back in touch with.

So I've been working very consciously to keep the ones I have now, an assortment of amazing, funny, smart women from all different parts of my life. They're so kickass, in their own ways: Cheryl has the biggest heart of anyone I know, Kris is my favorite well-dressed tomboy who is relishing/exhausted by being a new stepmom to three pre-teen boys, Jill knows the good dirt on everyone *and* exactly the right thing to do in any social situation, her daughter L is one of the unexpected great joys of my life, Jessie makes me laugh and think harder than she probably knows, Pat is wisdom personified, Donna is both old-school Polish and thoroughly modern, Amanda awes me with her crackling wit, Kate is one of the most determined and focused people I know, Alyssa makes me wish I could do my 20s over again this time with her guiding me through it, Lori is absolutely unafraid to let herself look silly.

And those are just the ones I know offline; my online life is also rich in friendships with amazing women, bloggers and FB friends and LJ nerds and so forth. For many years, my online friendships were stronger than my offline ones, but now there is more of a balance. I love and appreciate all of them, and all of you.

ANYWAY.

Birthday. Me. Let's get back to the important stuff. ;-D



I had to do some things involving getting dressed up for the first few days of my staycation (BOO!) but from today forward I plan on living in my jeans and casual outfits.

However, none of the outfits will involve THIS jacket.



I did not think the color description "neon coral" would be as literal as it was, nor did the photo on the Gap site do it, um, justice. This thing was so bright you could see me in the dark from a half-mile away. Horrible.

And a very big bummer, because the fit and quality of the jacket was excellent. Damn you, Gap!

P.S. The pants were all terrible looking on me too. Ah well.

+++++

My real birthday present is the next few days; I got two free nights at a gorgeous casino-hotel over in New Buffalo, our favorite vacation spot. Hubby is joining me tonight and taking me out to dinner, then I am spending tomorrow poking around my favorite shops in the area, and gambling and whatnot, before heading back on Friday morning. To say I am looking forward to it is an understatement; I'm trying to pace out the things I need to do so I don't leave too early, but I have a feeling I will be in the car by noon.

I am really looking forward to poking through the Sawyer Garden Center. I am out of my beloved jams; the frog jam and the triple berry were both amazing, so I will see what else they have to try. Plus there is just so much to look at and photograph there!

We've been there in the summer...



...and the winter...



...so I am dying to see what spring looks like. Given that it is the western shore of Michigan, my guess is tulips. Lots and lots of tulips. CANNOT WAIT.

I will also be making stops at the local brewpub to try a sampler flight and have the greatest ham sandwich of all time.





The last day will be a stop at Dreier's Meat Market to stock up on all things ham. I blame them for my ham obsession; prior to eating theirs, ham was just something we ate on the holidays. Now I realize how much I was missing. Insanely good.

I won't have my laptop but I will fill you in on my adventures when I return. Be good while I am gone!

P.S. I hope I never get so old that I don't love my birthday. Because it rocks.