I Hate My Closet, Part 1

You guys. Have you ever gotten to the point where you despise every piece of clothing in your closet?

I thought so. I am there right now.

This has been a long journey to get here; long-time readers of LFD remember the days when I was quite the shopper, finding deals and great new pieces on a regular basis. Then my weight went up, and up, and up, and up, and my interest in staying current in fashion went down, and down, and down, and down.

It wasn't just the weight gain that killed my interest in shopping and fashion. Another part of it was that I started to realize I had a full closet -- too much closet, really -- and I didn't NEED to buy anymore. If fact, I need to pare it down to the essentials so I could see what I really had. I donated boxes and boxes of clothes, and pretty much stopped buying new clothes. Gwynnie Bee has done an excellent job of keeping my closet fresh and my need for new items fulfilled.

But the last part, the biggest part, was the limited options available for plus-size mature adults with careers in conservative/traditional offices. I've complained before about "fat-girl" necklines, right? It drives me CRAZY -- it is SO HARD to find v-neck or boatneck or collared tops in plus-sizes. All the interesting shaped or print blouses always have this extra-wide round neckline that both goes too deep/wide and shows off too much skin at the chest, and weirdly sits too far back on the neck and shows off a lot of shoulder/back. Fat-girl neck leaves a huge circle of skin showing, and it does not look professional at all. Additionally, usually it is also a loose blouse so it shifts around if you have to, say, wear a name badge clipped to your neckline, or carry a purse on your shoulder. I am forever triple-checking to make sure my bra strap isn't showing (and it often is, dammit).

Examples of fat-girl necklines:

See what I mean? That's not a vee or a scoop or even a boatneck neckline. It's just...there.

My joke whenever I see a fat-girl neckline: "Hey, my HEAD is a normal size. I don't need extra room to get the shirt over it."

The other problem is that finding a fitted top is nearly impossible. I look at the other plus-size women where I work, and we all have the same uniform: billowy blouse that ends past our hips, thus hiding any type of curve or shape we might have, and making us look bigger than we are. Or worse, the dreaded cascading cardigan which pretty much does the same thing. Everything is draped around us, like tenting on a wedding table. Like so:

You wouldn't know cascading/boyfriend cardigans went out of vogue a few seasons ago from looking at any plus-size department. It's all about hiding our shape -- which is actually MORE unflattering than wearing something too tight, in my opinion.

On the internet, if you want plus-size fitted, the only option I see are dresses. Gwynnie Bee has a weekly Members Post of their clients in mostly dresses, and it is all the same va-va-va-voom look; the girls all look lovely and shapely, but they are ALL in their 20s/30s, and none of it would be appropriate for a conservative office. On a personal note, dresses are no longer an option for me since my feet require orthopedic shoes now. I'm still struggling to find a pair I can wear with dresses -- heck, I still need a dressy pair to go with slacks. (That's another post for another day.)

So. I've been trapped in fashion-less hell -- black slacks, black sneakers (kill me now), billowy top or a long cardigan to hide under. On the most depressing days, it is the ubiquitous black cascading cardigan along with the black pants and shoes. I can't tell you how many plus-sized co-workers I have who wear the same thing -- and in some cases it's the same black cascading cardigan every single day. At my peak, I owned three myself.

And I get why; it's not about low self-esteem or not feeling like you are worth spending money on. I have spent a damn lot of money, and a damned lot of time shopping online and in person. But finding flattering, work-appropriate clothes in a size higher than XXL is a Herculean task, and after a while, you just get too discouraged to keep trying. So you stick with your limited choices, and you focus on other things.

Things I did while not giving a crap about my outfits:
-Enjoyed the freedom in the morning from having to try on multiple outfits, and spent it cuddling with my puppy instead.
-Replenished my makeup supply, and finally learned how to use primer and tinted moisturizer to even out my skin tone.
-Spent 6 months in physical therapy healing my fallen arches, and learned to love my sneakers.
-Played a lot of internet games. A LOT.
-Had occasional flashes of Fun Clothes when a good piece from Gwynnie Bee arrived. But most of their stuff has been filler for under the cardigan, which was okay by me.


Eventually, though, all that black was just too much, and it was time to do something about it. But that's for Part 2. ;-D