(No photos from yesterday's outfit. Got halfway through the morning and realized I didn't like what I was wearing. The photos reinforced that when I downloaded them that night. Ooops!)
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I've been thinking a lot about my battles with my weight over the years, and trying to fit it into some neat description box. As I discovered to my amazement a while back, I wasn't always heavy growing up, as I had tricked myself into believing. College and my early 20s changed that, and at 25 (about 1992-1993) I joined Weight Watchers for the first time and lost 42 pounds. Even got to Lifetime, became a WW Leader and ran a couple of storefronts for them, for several years.
But I was struggling to keep it off even then, and it was only the threat of being fired for gaining it back that kept me in check. That went on for about 3-4 years; then they did downsize me, and it didn't take long for the weight to come back. It stayed.
Nearly 10 years after my original loss (around 2004, right after I quit smoking), I returned to WW and enthusiastically did the Core plan, not only losing about 35 pounds but also learning how to cook for the first time in my life, and trying a lot of ordinary, healthy foods that I always thought I hated. (My husband still can't believe I love mushrooms, bell peppers and steak now.) That lasted about a year, then the weight slowly crept back. And stayed.
In 2009, I did my most radical diet yet, with Medifast. I ate crappy little bars and soups for six months and lost 60 pounds, more than I ever had. Of course, as soon as I stopped doing it, the weight crept back up, about 10 pounds at a time, over the following year. I tried several different diets to get it back off again, but none of them with any kind of full commitment or success. I am currently only 10 pounds from my highest weight, and trying very hard to get re-inspired to lose it all over again.
3 weight-loss cycles in 18 years. How do you define that? Does that count as yo-yo dieting?
Even more importantly, why do I do that to myself? Why can't I keep the habits that I learn and maintain for years -- why can't I keep them going forever?
Of course, I'm ignoring the big picture: it's been over the span of 18 years, and everything else about me has changed over that time too. I'm not the same person I was during Loss #1 or Loss #2; I've moved several times, got married after Loss #1, had different jobs, different friends, different hobbies. I've learned since both those losses how to dress myself, and fallen in love with heels and dresses. I quit a 20-year pack-a-day smoking habit, competed in a triathlon, took up photography, welcomed many new family members into my life, and said goodbye to a few as well. Owned four cars, had 10-minute and 1-hour commutes to work.
It's not fair for me to compare any of those weight-loss cycles to each other; in many ways, they happened to completely different women. One of the Weight Watchers slogans is, "This time it's different." The implication of that is, 'this time it will be successful' -- but that doesn't work for me. I WAS successful before. This time is different, because I am different. I am the accumulation of all the victories and failures, the new things I've tried and incorporated into my life, the old habits I cling to forever (this last week reminded me that I will never not turn to PB&Js when I am sad), the lessons that have stuck and that haven't. I am not the same women I was at 25, or 36, or even 41.
I am a confident, strong, opinionated woman. I don't allow myself a lot of negative self-talk, and I hate to see other women disparage themselves. (Ask my friends how irritated I get when they insult themselves.) Even when I am at my heaviest, I have made myself see the positives in my appearance, and I refused to let myself wallow in self-pity. But this last weight-loss cycle has been much more humbling; it was the first time that I lost all the weight I wanted to, and it was the first time that I really liked the skinny little body I had underneath all of that. I wanted to stay thin, much more than I ever did before, and yet...I didn't. I don't know why. That has knocked me down, a lot. Each time I crept up another 10 pounds, it knocked me down a little bit more. And I let it break me like that. That has bothered me.
So I am at this crossroads right now, trying to decide if I should just stay where I am weight-wise and let myself build my confidence back up, or if I am ready to start another cycle again. I don't know the answer yet.
But I'm thinking about it. All of it. And this time, it WILL be different. I don't know how yet, but I know it will be. It always has been.
When I started reading this post I was suprised to find we had this in common:
ReplyDelete"Even got to Lifetime, became a WW Leader and ran a couple of storefronts for them, for several years. But I was struggling to keep it off even then, and it was only the threat of being fired for gaining it back that kept me in check. "
By the end of this post I was thinking about just how much of this I could have written myself if only I had the words that you found. (Well except for the negative self talk thing which I really need to work on).
I'm cheering for you because somehow I feel like if you can do this, so can I!
I share the WW description with you & Helen! However, I'm older...and have yo-yo'ed FAR more than 3 times in 18 years!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I hesitate to "start over" again on my health and fitness blog. I'm sure people get tired of it. But my blog is for me what the accountability was in standing in front of a WW group every week! So I will continue to blog - selfishly and mostly for me on THAT subject.
The fact that I have company helps sometimes (and other times seems to provide an excuse because people try to be sympathetic and that's usually not what I need!).
If you are not happy, then you should try again. It's not about the size you are, but how you feel about yourself.
ReplyDeleteI've yo-yo'd a couple of times...I am really wanting it to stick this time, but with my job situation changing, I'm so afraid that I will slip into old, bad habits and the weight will come back.
ReplyDeleteThanks for talking this out, Kristen. It helps to know that I'm not alone in my struggles.
I've also done the WW thing several times over the past 12 years or so, and have my lifetime member stashed away somewhere. I was just talking to my husband yesterday about trying the online version this time, because I just don't think I can go back to meetings AGAIN.
ReplyDeleteI'm continually disappointed in myself for not sticking with it and letting my old habits creep back in, but like you've said, each time I've lost and gained the weight I've been in a different stage or struggle of my life.
This time around, my reasons and motivation are different. While I'm happier with how I look overall than I have been in a long time, it's that, in a way, that pushes me to look and be more how I really want to be, to be able to wear the styles I want to.
Whatever you decide to do, we're here for you. :D
Thanks for the honest post. I could really relate. I've done the WW yo-yo thing too, losing 25 and then gaining it back plus another 20. I too am contemplating another cycle. One mistake I've made though is trying to get too thin. With age and lifestyle changes, sometimes it's really hard to maintain overly-aggressive goals. I'm thinking something more realistic this time, something slow and steady that can last a lifetime. I'm looking forward to hearing more of your thought process on this.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could find links now, but it's hard go Google this stuff and not pull up tons of junk. But I know I read somewhere that many people don't successful keep weight off until the fourth or fifth attempt. It's like everything difficult--it takes practice. It's even harder when you're fighting genetics and childhood habits.
ReplyDeleteThe National Weight Control Registry has a lot of great stories. They are a registry for people who have lost a significant amount of weight and kept it off.
http://www.nwcr.ws/Research/default.htm
Hi. I understand the mental battle, and commend you for keeping your chin up and working so hard at diet. Having followed your blog for a while (even if I’ve never commented), I think you’ve always looked great, no matter what size.
ReplyDeleteHave you thought about seeing a naturopath? I had an allergy test done through a naturopath, and it turns out I had all kinds of food intolerances – which caused me to gain weight, and make it nearly impossible to keep weight off, as long as I was eating foods I was intolerant to. Food intolerances, hormonal imbalances and loads of other things can throw your digestive system completely out of whack, so rather than considering whether to embark on another diet, might be worth trying to figure out why you tend to put on weight in the first place.
Speaking from my own experience, letting go of diets and understanding what makes my body work (and not work) has been life-changing. It also allowed me to lose weight so effortlessly, you wouldn’t even believe it.
Quitting smoking is HUGE! So I think you need to give yourself a TON of credit for doing that! I quit smoking a l-o-n-g time ago, so my habit wasn't nearly as established as yours, but I still can appreciate the effort you put into that. Way to go!! I also lost a considerable amount of weight (60 lbs.) on WW and have kept it off for 10+ years. I really embraced the whole program, and followed it to a T when I signed up for it, and now go back to it (especially measuring portions and journaling) when I get on the high end of my weight range. It has stood me in great stead. Good luck in whatever method you decide.
ReplyDeleteI relate to your struggles with weight...I guess I was a yo-yo in the past...WW, ADA low fat, etc.,etc...Finally, four years ago this November (but who is keeping track..LOL)...I on a whim decided to try South Beach...Well,this was my key...I stopped eating sugar in any form, whites...flour, rice and pasta...I have kept off 37 pounds since then...If I go over my 5 pound range, back to SBD phase 1...You will find your success key...Like someone said it takes a few attempts to make it work...I don't miss the sugar, whites...And SBD cuts the cravings for the junk...But it can be WW or whatever plan...They all work well if you follow them...
ReplyDeleteBEST!
Thank you for your refreshingly honest post. As a cynic, I wonder if yo-yo dieters aren't part of the WW business plan for return customers, LOL.
ReplyDeleteSome people like low-fat, others count calories, still others find that getting rid of sugars and starches is a great help. Good luck finding what works for you.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, Kristen. I can relate with the yo-yo feeling, except that mine has been over the course of about 7 years! I've been overweight pretty much since adolescence, but at 22 I joined Weight Watchers for the first time and dropped 60 pounds and went from a size 20 to an 8/10. Then life kept throwing me surprises and curve balls, causing me to gain the weight back, then lose it, gain it, etc. I do find that it's been a lot harder to lose the weight at 29 (and 25, 27, 28...) than it was at 22. I'm currently hovering around a 14/16, and my end goal is around 10/12.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I wanted to say that I can totally understand your thoughts wondering why you would keep doing this to yourself, and why you can't apply things you've learned for a lifetime, rather than just for a few years. It's definitely a tough crossroads that you're at now, and I've been there myself. When I've decided to stay where I am, it's because I'm reasonably happy with my body and have healthy numbers (like cholesterol, BP, blood sugar) despite a really unhealthy BMI. But once I start feeling unhealthy, I start working on it. Good luck with your decision, and I'm sure whatever you end up deciding, you'll have plenty of support here :)
My weight trajectory was, always on the chunky side of normal until I was 20 or 21, then weight went up up up up until I was 30, and then I've lost about 60 pounds since my highest and (technically) kept it off. What's really happened is that I take some off, then gain about half of what I lost back, then take some more off again and get to a new low, then gain about half that back, etc. Since my first big loss in 2001-2, I've had at least a couple of peaks and valleys. Right now I'm at a peak, but that peak is the same as my "low" after my 2001-2 mega-loss. Why would you "do this" to yourself? Well, I think it is just really hard to sustain the effort and maintain focus to keep weight off even once you've succeeded. Every time I've lost it's been through an unsustainable effort that would mean the rest of my life was given over to exercise, and so when I get satisfied with where I am I slack off a bit and it creeps up. Or, if something else has to take priority for a while, like my job, it creeps up. I am going to let myself be OK with that being how things are. Right now I'm trying to screw up my energy for another cycle of hard work and weight loss. Hasn't happened yet though.
ReplyDeleteKristen, what a great post ... as evidenced by all the comments. I like what "anonymous" said about letting go of diets. I also like what Annie said about getting rid of the junk (white sugar, white flour, processed food). Geneen Roth's book "Women, Food and God" is about letting go of dieting and trusting yourself, and how eating and food are really just trying to fill another hole in yourself that can't be filled by food. Loved that thought too. I feel like since I've had kids (the past 8 years) and had to try to lose weight, it's a constant cycle of binge or starve. In other words, I'm on some hilariously restrictive diet, or eating everything in sight. Sigh. It's an exhausting struggle. Much harder than not shopping!! :)
ReplyDeleteI don't think losing three times in 18 years counts as yo-yo dieting. I thought it was losing and gaining at least ten pounds over a relatively short time such as a year. Sadly I have heard it said many times that 95% of those who were successful at weight loss regain it eventually. Our culture makes it tough to stick with Spartan living.
ReplyDeleteAre you healthy? That is the most important thing. I've watched my DH go through similar cycles--he likes to brag that he's lost thousands of pounds. He's an expert at it, yet today he still weighs more than he would like. Is there a medical reason you need to lose right away? If not, maybe you do need to take some time away from dieting.
Whatever you decide, I hope you continue with your blog and outfits and posting at YLF. I really do enjoy your outfits. (Also, my son lives in a suburb of Chicago--it's fun for me to see you posts when you are out and about the city.
OMG I am right there with you girlfriend! Gosh, sometimes when I read your posts I feel like you are in my head, because you sound so much like me! Thank you so much for sharing such an honest and vulnerable post with us. Your attitude and resilience are inspiring!!
ReplyDeleteWow, oh my gosh, thank you for all the wise and inspiring comments! Weight loss is such a personal thing, and one we go through both collectively and alone. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories!
ReplyDeleteLong-time reader, first-time comment. But your post today really resonates. I have a similar path as well as a similar "What the heck will it take THIS time?" frustration, with another few years (ok maybe 10-15 years)thown in.
ReplyDeleteI found a wonderful website about 6 months ago for the NoS Diet. It's exceptionally sensible, manageable, and realistic. And I am - for the first time EVER - relaxed about food and weight.
No S = No seconds, no sweets, no snacks, except on days that begin with "S". And it's free - unless you go out to Amazon & buy the book (which I highly recommend).
I have a feeling you might like it Kristen......good luck and I look forward to reading about your progress.
Kristen, this is so wise. I know you've struggled a bit earlier this year with feeling tired of having your weight struggles be in the public eye, so I appreciate you posting this.
ReplyDeleteI'm currently at my heaviest weight ever. EVER. And it sucks. I actually got a lecture at my last physical. And though I know what to do, like you, I'm finding myself clinging to the food-related habits of what I grab when I'm feeling low, which is often lately.
It's a hopeful message to know that my successes and failures aren't always necessarily for the same reason since my life and personality are constantly in flux. I just need to start fresh, even if it may be for the fifth time this year, and STICK to it.
Hi! First time commenter and long time reader too! I enjoyed reading this post. I think anyone who has struggled with weight, me included, will always battle losing what they've all ready lost at one point.
ReplyDeleteI put on 10lbs since last year from knee surgery. I'm still 40 pounds away from my ideal weight but down nearly 60 pounds overall. I feel terrible about these last 10-15 lbs that need to go. It's even more daunting to think I'd have another 30 to go. However, It's cliche but a journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step. I've been really focused on eating better for the last two weeks and I feel better and I'm down 2 lbs (which certainly beats gaining 2 pounds).
Congrats on the no smoking change! I quit 5 years ago and used to smoke 2 packs a day. I almost think quitting smoking is easier than weight loss because we don't need to smoke to live.
Do you read ronisweigh.com? She puts out some great posts and a while ago she mentioned "enjoying the process". That rather than focus on the end goal, enjoy the journey you're on. It hit me hard and help me change my thoughts from "diet" to "lifestyle".
Overall, don't try to swallow the whole elephant! It might seem like an overwhelming prospect but focus on one thing for the next day/week/month/etc. and don't stress about the other parts that need change.
PS - I'm sorry about the loss of your kitty. I have a very old dog and the ups and downs and near this-is-the-end moments make me sympathize hard.
I don't think there would be anything wrong with just staying the weight you are now.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound like hitting the ten pounds more highest-ever-weight is a milestone you're anxious to achieve.
So why not decide the work on maintaining a weight - any weight, hey - how about that weight you're at right now?
The sorry truth is that our bodies are poised to gain weight during our 40s as all that "girl" stuff changes, so maintaining your weight will be something that requires a fine-tuning anyway.
It sounds to me like you love a challenge and have spent your life meeting them. Why not pick a low-key goal, like don't gain that next 10 pounds, and let your considerable life-energy flow into other things that matter to you?
Plus you can enhance your current wardrobe instead of needing to acquire a new one :)
This is the first time I have EVER gotten close to my goal weight in all my decades of dieting, and the longest that I've kept the weight off, too. I'd like to think it's permanent, but stories like yours and so many others, including my own history, show just how hard it is to keep it off. I really believe it's a total lifestyle change - I can't go back to Taco Bell, not even for their "al fresco" menu - I just can't eat that food anymore. Not if I want to keep what I've achieved. Thank you for this open, honest, soul-searching post - I really feel a kinship with all that you've been through, and I know that you are going to end up exactly where you want to be.
ReplyDeleteYou're not a true Weight Watcher until you've watched the scale go up, too. They call it a lifetime membership for a reason! :)
ReplyDelete