Wednesday: This is not performance art.

Whoa. That dress is REALLY EFFING SHORT.

Oh, I wish I had looked at these photos before I went to work. I mean, I knew it was a little short, but I did not realize exactly how short it was. :::goggles:::

Anyway, it's not a kickass Kohls dress; this one is from Target. I think I should have sized up on it, but even so, it's awesome. I had two in the same style last summer from Target; they were solids with colorblocks at the waist detail, and I like it much better as a print dress. Oh, how I have evolved in a year! :)



I paired it with my purple AT boyfriend silky cardigan, which has absolutely been worth all 2999 pennies I spent on it a year ago. First, this was the first bf cardigan I bought and it got me to realize this was a style that worked for me bigtime, and second, the color kicked off a whole addition of tons of purple print dresses and outfits to my closet. Sheer Spanx and my grey Franco Sarto heeled oxfords finished off the outfit, as they have for several days running. I don't often wear the same shoes every day, but now that we are in this weird inbetween weather, where it's still cold and frosty in the morning and by afternoon it's in the 50-60s, my shoe choices are limited. The chunkier oxfords and suede shoes are too heavy (as you can see in the first picture when I as experimenting with my black Naturalizer chunky shoes, blerg), but it's not time for the sandals and strappy heels yet either. Alas!


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I've been mulling over some thoughts about my weight loss efforts for the last few days, and it's not been a fun mull. Two things keep circling back to the forefront:

1. I am really tired of dieting at the moment.
2. I am equally tired of doing it all in public.

I started on Medifast on January 1, 2009, and I have been dieting ever since. That's almost 16 months, and every minute of it has been on public display. I joined the MF forum boards in January, and I posted entries on a blog there every day as well as joined the community on the forum. We had weight-loss challenges and support and lots of discussions about food and mental adjustments and self-image and everything. Then I switched to WW, and I happily attended the meetings for months. I also started LFD and gave myself several weight-loss challenge commitments. I didn't lose during this period, but I was just as focused on the concept as I was back on the MF site.

Don't get me wrong, I know I did all that of my own free will, and I don't regret it. I loved my Green Gals over on MF, and I get so much out of going to WW meetings and reading and writing posts about these issues online.

But it no longer brings me any pleasure, and in many ways it feels like an obstacle that is impeding me from actually getting where I want to go. I know my long-term goal for 2010 is to get back into my 10s, but for the last few weeks I've been growing to accept where I am right now. That post I did on perspective, with the photos of me as a kid, keeps resonating with me; am I pushing myself to be this ideal weight because I still think I'm that fat kid? I wasn't fat then, and maybe I'm not now. Maybe where I am is perfectly acceptable. Maybe I need to let myself off the hook and stop dieting. Maybe I can just be.

(I keep wanting to add more that sentence, to put in a disclaimer that this is only temporary, that I will continue to lose weight eventually and get to goal, etc etc. But maybe I won't, and that's something I will decide once I actually try to "just be". I don't know, I haven't been in that headspace before; I've been in the "lose weight or be a failure" mode since January 2009. So I'm not putting any disclaimer; whatever happens, happens.)

And a big part of letting myself "just be" is not talking about it anymore. I have to stop treating my eating habits and weight as a piece of performance art. I need to concentrate on eating right FOR ME, and for me alone. To make mistakes and do things right, all in the privacy of my own head. I've gotten to the point now if I have a very bad meal I feel like I need to confess it online, and that's not good. That's not teaching me anything, and it's not stopping me from doing it again. I need to sort this stuff out on my own again.

So the "low fat" part of Low Fat Dressing is going to go quiet. I will still be posting about outfits and self-esteem and links and my 5Ks and other topics, but my diet is my own business, and I need to not share (or some would say, overshare LOL) that with the whole world.

I do appreciate all the kind thoughts, wise advise, encouragement, and sheer inspiration all of you have given me over this time, and I will definitely continue to read and be motivated in reading your blogs and your thoughts. The online blogging and weight-loss worlds are full of some amazing people, and I wouldn't gotten where I have without you. Thank you so much!