For those of you who have been following Low Fat Dressing for a while, you may have noticed I stopped posting about the 13-in-13 Challenge a couple weeks ago. I was struggling with it from the get-go, and finally accepted that I was going to need to make some drastic changes to get myself off the trajectory I have been on for months (meaning: gain gain gain, pretend I'm not gaining, gain gain gain).
The reality is I have gained nearly 25 pounds since stopping Medifast in June. It's been a slow chipping away at all my hard work of the winter and spring when I lost 60 pounds total. I did eat relatively heathy, but in fits and starts, and I never quite figured out how to break my worst eating habit: food is a treat for me. A lavish meal is something I think I "deserve" after a hard day, or to celebrate an achievement, or just a way to pamper myself when I am feeling stressed or tired. I love my new job, but it's extremely stressful and I am still figuring out its rhythms and cycles. So pretty much every day, every meal, has been me treating myself. My schedule has been so upended, in fact, I even skipped running last week. ACK! I am on Week 7, where I am running 20-25 minutes straight. Soooo close to completion!
I ordered a box of Medifast food last week, and I started back on plan yesterday. Ironically, the extreme discipline works for me. There are no treats, ever, and for some reason I don't rebel against that. Medifast is mindless: just eat a packet of food every two hours, then for dinner have 3 servings of veggies and 5-7 ounces of meat. We never got out of the dinner habit, so I've got easy-to-make meals at my fingertips. I can just slide back into the rhythms of the plan and let food and eating take a backseat in my life while I concentrate on establishing new rhythms to my day and my attitude (for instance, I now work longer hours, and often on the weekends. I am more responsible for running meetings and projects, unlike before when I was always the second-in-command. That requires a very different level of energy and commitment.)
Six months ago, I vowed never to do Medifast again, and it kills me to go back on that. It was hard, and it doesn't teach me anything about how to eat regular food without gaining weight. But that's not the lesson I need to learn right now. Right now I need to take this weight off again, before I go even further and gain it all back, and get myself back into my 10s like I've been wanting to do for months. Once I get back there, I'll figure out how to do the maintenance part. That's Phase 2, and I may have started it a little too soon last time; I still needed to lose a little more weight when I switched from Medifast, and so I ended up with a hodgepodge of counterproductive goals. I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to maintain, and oh my God I wanted to eat regular food again. Guess which one won? I won't make that mistake again.
Hunh. I've been looking back at old posts as I've been writing this, and I just looked again my 2010 Resolutions. I'm not doing them the way I thought I would be, but I am still on track for all of them:
1. Becoming a 5K runner. Despite missing last week and probably this one, I will be running the St. Pat's 5K on March 14, and I will be running other 5Ks this year.
2. To get back into my 10s. That's what returning to Medifast is about.
3. Go paperless. Hubby actually "re-organized" my disaster of a desk on Sunday, which prompted me to clean the whole thing out and get rid of tons of paper. Now my tax papers are sitting next to me in a folder as I wait for the mortgage company to send their tax forms. Then I'll be using TurboTax online this year -- no more paper or CDs.
4. A new Self-Improvement project for my brain. If this new job doesn't qualify, I don't know what does. I am reading all kinds of books right now, attending classes, learning new business philosophies, etc, as well as learning how to take charge of projects and become more self-sufficient at work. It's not going back to school for a degree, but I can see how it would lead me there in a year or two.
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I started brewing ideas for this post a couple days ago, after my box of food arrived but before I had officially started. I felt fat and unwieldy and desperate, tired of failing and gaining, embarrassed about needing such a strict plan to lose weight and even more embarrassed about not fitting into any of my favorite clothes anymore. (I have another week of dresses I would have loved to have worn for Dress Remix Week, but all of them are hanging in another closet right now so I am not reminded daily about not being able to wear them.) I was beating myself up pretty badly; my original title for this post was "Have I Hit Bottom Yet?"
But that's not how I feel anymore. I survived my first day back on Medifast, and I actually was relieved by the end that those 5 little bars were in my purse. I appreciate not having to think about food right now, and I am looking forward to getting back to running tomorrow. I'm proud of taking action again, not just kicking myself for failing. I'm excited to look ahead again, to make plans and see achievable goals in front of me, and to realize I hadn't actually gone as far off-track as I thought. Yeah, 25 pounds up still pisses me off, but it could have been worse, and at the rate I was going it was going to be much worse very quickly. So maybe this drastic change is what I needed.
I'll check back in a week and let you guys know how it's going. My guess it will be even better once I hit ketosis and all the hunger pangs and headaches go away. The first few days of Medifast are rough!
Try not to beat yourself up over this anymore. It's all about learning what works for you and what doesn't right now. In the future, it may be different. We are all on this journey, learning different lessons on how to live in the skin we are in. So good luck on your Medifast and I hope your first days aren't terrible.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I love your website. I got here through Shelley and have enjoyed thinking about fashion again, rather than just grabbing some clothes and putting them on. Last night I even went out and bought TIGHTS and today I'm experimenting with said tights, ankle boots and a longish skirt. I may even break out some accessories. It's a red letter day around here and I have you to thank for it.
Hang in there. You don't owe anyone an explanation for what was clearly a very difficult choice.
ReplyDeleteYou're not just changing directions, you're taking steps to get yourself going in the RIGHT direction and that is as important as anything. Who is to say that that you won't learn better this time?
ReplyDeleteI'm not familiar with Medifast, but from the way you describe it, I bet you could make up your own plan, and substitute a healthy "treat" for one of the 2-hour snacks. I kind of do that every day. My treats are things like: almonds, grapes, salted carrots, pumpkin seeds, Cornflakes, Vanilla Almond Special K, and rice cakes. And throughout the day, I drink all different kinds of teas with sugarfree syrups in them. It's kind of a treat to have the different flavors. That's just what works for me, but we're all different. I know you'll be successful with this. Your post shows so much positive determination. And your new responsibilities will keep you busy and productive, so you'll feel stronger and in control of other parts of your life too! Keep me posted!
ReplyDeleteI highly recommend the book "The Solution" by Laurel Mellin. It has transformed my life. It will help you work through emotional issues that it sounds like you clearly need. You also, obviously, need to develop a list of non-food ways to pamper/nurture yourself, so you have healthy alternatives. Best of luck! You can do this!
ReplyDeleteWhen I think of your blog, I don't immediately connect it with the other hard core diet/exercise blogs. To me, it's been a fashion blog showing how different items from your collection can work together. You always look so together and polished, I wouldn't have guessed that you were working so hard on weight issues. You seem pretty dedicated to see this through and I'm sure you'll get a handle on it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck Kristen! You did it once and I'm sure you will do it again. It sounds like you can do anything you set your mind to!!
ReplyDeleteI think blogging is a great way to self-talk and put truth into print to face squarely and deal with. I have a health/weight blog not so much for others as for myself! It helps me keep on track, honest with myself, and current in my efforts.
ReplyDeleteYour statement in this post is basically what I need to do almost daily - BEFORE I fall back into old patterns.
I'll keep checking in on you. I can hear the relief in your last paragraphs as you have returned to a system that works for YOU.
As a really hardworking person, starting your new job has naturally become the central focus in your life. It's a great time to automate stuff that needs careful attention, but can't be bothered with at the moment. Go off Medifast when you have time to deal with the entire project of learning how to eat better and healthier. One brilliant thing at a time, right?
ReplyDeleteBest of luck, Kristen! It sounds like Medifast worked for you before (your pic in the BR wrap dress is amazing), and I'm excited to read about your success this time!
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you "caught" yourself at only 25 pounds - and while you know that Medifast is not a permanent way to eat, it's something that you are familiar with and know how your body will react to, and that's what's important at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog and am having fun stretching my mind as to what I can wear - the other day I tried on a boyfriend cardigan and thought of you! Unfortunately I had to leave my boyfriend at the store as I had enough other items to purchase, but I will get him back!
Sending you good thoughts for success with your diet, and more importantly, success in maintenance once these 25 lbs are gone!
You have to do what works for you- and this does. Don't beat yourself up over realizing what you need.
ReplyDeleteHey Kristen... I just wanted to reiterate what others are saying: there's no need to beat yourself up over your choice to go back on Medifast now. At this current time that seems like what will work best for you, so good for you for making that choice.
ReplyDeleteFor the future I also highly recommend reading Laurel Mellin's book. Not only does she talk about how to deal with emotional connections to eating (and other behaviors), but it's all based on scientific analysis. I have the pleasure of working with Laurel from time to time and her method is truly transformative for a number of different issues (weight loss/gain, addiction, over-exercising, emotional crisis, etc.).
I would also recommend looking into weight watchers. While it is another plan, it really helps folks in the long run learn about portion control and what foods to pick that make you feel full without tipping the scales in the wrong direction. My mom has been extremely successful with WW... she lost probably about 25 pounds (?) about 5 years ago and has kept it off and just looks freaking amazing at 51!
You can do it! Isnt it funny how we will accept extreme deprivation of food (like medifast) but if we allow ourselves the food we love in moderation we seem to struggle so much. I am a lifetime weight watcher and I know we all have some ups and downs and sometimes plateaus too. Focus on today, Tomorrow will be enough worry of its own! You can do it.
ReplyDeleteKristen, you've done it once and you can do it again! I know having to depend on Medifast sucks, but as long as you feel healthy while doing it, it might be an option. Good luck with it all and I look forward to seeing your gorgeous 10s again!
ReplyDeleteKristen, during your journey, I've seen you during your high moments and during your low moments (not talking weight, talking mindset). In the four years that I've known you, you've inspired me and helped me work through my own issues.
ReplyDeleteYour strength, character, positive outlook on life, advice, care, concern, etc is what makes you, you. (Well, and your sense of humor and your laugh that makes everyone in the room turnaround and wonder what is going on and how they can join in.) That is the Kristen I see when I think about you.
I know how you've been struggling with this for awhile now, and I want you to know that no matter how you see yourself, the rest of us ALWAYS see a woman who has it all, pulled together and looking fabulous. Granted, that doesn't help in how you feel about yourself.
Sometimes what we see in the mirror is not an accurate portrait of what the rest of the world sees. I hope that you look at yourself everyday (and I'm sure R will back me up on this) and realize how pretty, special & wonderful you are.
I know what it feels like to look at yourself and think "just 10 more pounds..." & I want you to know that you have my support and when we go shopping and out to dinner, we'll have a blast while sticking to your diet!
Long point made longer: don't beat yourself up. You'll succeed, you always do. Maybe not the first time, however, you do succeed & come out more spectacular than the first time!
I just wanted to chime in with a note of encouragement for you. I am impressed with the way you have made your self and your goals a priority in the midst of a job change. Look forward to hearing about your success!
ReplyDeleteGood luck! I absolutely know where you're coming from. I get it. You're stronger than me because I could never do something as hardcore as Medifast. I'd be a crabby hungry bitch! :) I'm glad you know what works for you and that's so important. I have yet to find exactly what works for me.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part is making it work for YOU. Keeping weight you've lost is so hard - people don't realize how hard it is. Really, losing weight is the easy part!
ReplyDeleteSome people are "all or nothing", some people can do "rationing". I'm not a good rationer either - I need the discipline of a routine. I've put 8-10 pounds on in the last 15 months and it is a struggle to get that back off (I've had to banish all my trigger foods from the house entirely, because I just can't stop when I start eating them).
I understand your need to explain things out - it helps to sort it out in your head, and it's making a public committment. I know you can do it, Kristen. :) We're all pulling for you.
Hug,
Sheila
I know I come late on my comment but I must say that I really admire the way you deal with your weight flutuation.
ReplyDeleteWe cannot freeze the way we look at a certain time in our life, things(weight, wrinkles, whatever)change and we have to decide if we want to let them take control of our lives or if we are going to do something about it.
I know how painful can be to see things in your wardrobe that don't fit, to see the things we fought for trying to get away.But weight has not taken control of yourself because you won't let it.And that's amazing.
I'm sure in a couple of weeks you will report your sucess.