They Walk Among Us: Amanda

Welcome to the next installment of They Walk Among Us, a new series of interviews with my online and offline friends who have lost significant weight and kept it off for many years. So far we have had Kate and Sheila; this is Amanda.

Amanda is a real-life friend I met through other friends on the internet. (At this point we all have those, right?) Amanda lives across the country, but it feels like she's just down the street. She's one of the quickest wits I've ever met, honest and smart and with an uncanny ability to get right to the heart of any situation. She also struggles with social anxiety, so online and off she is a bit of a hermit and a lurker. I was surprised and glad she agreed to be interviewed for this; she kept insisting that her experience wouldn't resonate. I think she was completely wrong; what she talked about struck home with me in many ways.

As always, I love Amanda's brutal honesty.


(Amanda and her cat having a difficult negotiation over his behavior.)

Background: how much weight did you lose, what did you do to lose it, how long ago was it?
Transition: once you lost the weight, what did you do in the beginning to move into maintenance?



I've been thinking about this for a few days now, and I don't know if my experience would be relevant, because I never really lost the weight on purpose. It happened so gradually, over such a long period of time (15 years between my heaviest and my lightest healthy weight), and probably had a lot to do with hormones, emotional states, and the way I traveled from post-adolescence into (semi-)adulthood. I never lost weight as a result of deliberately trying to lose weight (and there were times I did try). And I don't really do anything consciously now to maintain. I guess I generally have healthier eating habits, and I'm generally more active, but I'm also incredibly inconsistent, and periodic depressive episodes can throw things off for months. Keeping my thyroid regulated helps.



I don't know why I never gained most of it back. Maybe my metabolism just changed. Maybe it'll change again soon, and I'll have to start working very hard to keep it off. I'm 5'4". At 17 (1995), I weighed somewhere around 175. Right now, my "normal" equilibrium weight, without exercise, eventually settles at about 130. I've weighed as little as 112, but that was disordered. If I exercise regularly, and eat reasonably (i.e., only when I'm hungry, not too much junk), I settle at 120-125. If I exercise vigorously, like I did last year, I can get below 120, but at that point the number is meaningless, and it's all about how clothes fit.



So as far as that last ten to fifteen pounds (the last five years), I can just say what everyone says. Less sugar. More whole grains. More fruits and vegetables (and a greater variety of food in general--I didn't eat salad until my late twenties). More physical activity.

Maintenance: what do you eat now to keep it off?

The one big change I made that I think really helped is that, as a rule, I really only drink water, coffee, and tea, unsweetened. No soda, no juice, no diet drinks. Not as a restriction, just as a habit. My palate adjusted pretty quickly. Maybe once a week I'll put a little sugar in my coffee. I still like sugar, but I don't need it. If I decide to have an alcoholic drink, or a hot cocoa, or something like that, I know that it's a treat. But not a guilty pleasure. I don't "forbid" myself anything.



Another habit is how I grocery shop. I don't buy junk food or pre-prepared food as groceries (which is why I don't grocery shop at Trader Joe's very often). I try to buy mostly whole grain breads, pastas, brown rice, barley. Skim milk. Real cheese. Plain yogurt. Natural peanut butter. I try to always get frozen green veggies like broccoli, spinach, peas. Which is not to say I don't buy junk food at the Wawa or at the drug store, but it's not groceries. This works for me since I eat most of my meals at home.

And when I'm out at a restaurant I order whatever the hell I want. :)

Maintenance: do you exercise? What do you do?



Exercise was a huge, huge hurdle for me. Mentally, it took so much effort to begin to conceive of myself as a person who would do that. I was always the worst at gym, the nerd, the clumsy, weak, chubby introvert. You know how women can be obstinate about not wearing makeup or not caring about their clothes and justify it as some kind of statement about their identity, when it's really fear and low self-esteem. "I'm being true to myself!" Well, that's not your self. That's your appearance. It's an adolescent way of thinking, and in its own way it's incredibly narcissistic. I was stuck in that for a long time. In some ways I just grew up and got over myself.

Physically, of course, exercise can be an absolutely miserable experience, especially at first. I figured out that what worked for me was incrementalism. If it's too hard, or it makes me feel like shit, I won't waste my time.

Breaking and making habits, in my own life, is a complete mystery. I used to brutally murder my fingernails and cuticles on a regular basis. And now more often than not I have healthy nails. But I didn't "quit" biting my nails. I just...don't do it very often anymore. And when I do, it's a one time thing and doesn't start a vicious cycle of blood and band-aids.

I'm mostly impervious to external motivation, penalties, and rewards. I think, in some ways, I maintain whatever good habits I have simply be being less tolerant of causing myself pain.

Self-Image/Attitude: do you think of yourself as overweight still, or have you adjusted to what you look like now? Because I have to admit, when I first saw you, I was surprised to find out at all that you had ever been overweight.
Self-Image/Attitude: how do you keep yourself from going slack and gaining it back? What's your motivation from letting yourself tip too far back?
Last question: I know there is no one secret to success, but.what's your secret? :)

I can speak to the self image stuff. I've had serious low self esteem problems my whole life. It's really, deeply ingrained. I don't still feel like a "fat" person, but I still hate "my fat." I hate my body most of the time. This is a big reason I plan to get back to regular exercise this year. Even though it makes me so self conscious, especially at the beginning, comparing myself to other people in the gym, and it can aggravate my social anxiety...eventually, I start to focus more on what my body can do rather than how it looks. And my mood will improve, and I'll be able to enjoy the fact that I look better, rather than excoriating myself because I don't look perfect. It's hard to take pleasure in small improvements when I'm focused on all the deficits, the negatives, the flaws and mistakes, and that makes it hard to move forward. But exercise really does change my brain for the better.

I think another factor is that as I get older, my thinking habits have changed. I'm more rational, less emotional (not that I'm very rational or not emotional) in making decisions. I'm more observant of myself and my reactions. When I'm mentally healthy, I'm much less prone to all-or-nothing thinking. I set more realistic goals.

So I guess my secret is grow up, get a job, move out of your parents' house, and hate yourself less.



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Thank you so, so much for sharing your story and success with me, Amanda. More than I could possibly express.