Reality Check

From January to June of this year, I lost 63 pounds.

From June to November, I put 18 back on.

I keep pretending that it's only been 10 or so, not acknowledging that I keep creeping up, week after week, even during my 16-week commitment challenge. I kid myself that "now" I have stabilized, that this week I am starting to go down, but then every week I pack on another pound.

But it's been more than that, and these are all the ways that it is impacting me:

-2/3 of my current closet are clothes I cannot currently wear; all my skirts, all my pants, and even now a good number of my dresses are too tight.
-I put myself on a clothing budget last month, and it's been easy to follow because I don't fit into 10s anymore and I refuse to buy anything bigger.
-I'm afraid to invest in a long wool winter coat right now because I currently need a bigger size than I want to be wearing all season.
-My bras look TERRIBLE on me. Ditto my underwear. I have to select outfits based on what kind of supportive undergarments I can fit under them to smooth things out.
-I look in the mirror and I see all the old familiar lumps and rolls coming back, one by one. I don't see slender me anymore. I miss her, A LOT.
-I've gotten soft everywhere; all the muscles and tone I acquired while I was swimming this summer or doing daily yoga on the Wii last spring or doing the Couch-to-5K program this summer and fall...it's all gone. I'm flabby and weak and yes, fat.

I'm not saying these things because I am looking for positive reinforcement or because I have low self-esteem and I secretly hate myself. I have a very healthy self-image -- probably too healthy, at times -- but I need to make myself face reality now. I need to acknowledge and recognize that I am destroying all the hard work I did earlier this year. Medifast was HARD, and it was a sacrifice to do it. We drank shakes and ate bars at the hospital when my father-in-law was dying, all through his funeral. I ate that stupid cup of soup every single day for lunch for 6 months. I paid $300 a month for the privilege of eating the worst food I ever ate in my life.

And now I am undoing all that hard work, every day and every meal. And for what? For bad-tasting Halloween candy? For giant toffee cookies I think I have "earned"? Because I am too lazy to get off my dupa, get off the computer, and go for a run?

Here would be the point in my inner monologue where I would vow to straighten up my act, to really commit to eating better and make all kinds of promises to myself and to everyone. But it doesn't work like that; I've tried that, and I've failed. I've promised to do better, and then as soon as I walk away from the computer my resolve crumbles.

I think I need to just keep making small steps, one meal and one hour at a time. I've slowly been incorporating exercise back into my daily routine again, not planning out what day I was going to run, to swim, to do yoga; instead I just wake up and make sure I carve out time between 6 and 7 am to turn on the Wii and MOVE. Maybe tomorrow I will put on my running shoes, maybe I won't. I decide in that moment, but no matter what I make myself MOVE.

I've also been trying to steer my food choices to the best ones, automatically. For instance:
-we don't order pizza when we are 'too lazy to cook'; now we go to Whole Foods and make giant salads with soup.
-I cut out granola bars as my snacks and have fruit, yogurt or string cheese instead.
-one of my meals must always be vegetable-based. If I have a sandwich at lunch then I must have spaghetti squash or a salad for dinner; if I have salad at lunch I can have meat and starch for dinner.

It's not perfect, but it's much better than it was even a month ago. The next step I want to do is get rid of the sweets, the cookie at lunch or the dessert with dinner. I know from past experience with Core once you cut out the sugar for a few days you stop craving it, and that's where I need to get.

(Of course, I want to do this just after Hubby and I finally discovered the pure awesomeness of key lime pie, but I am on a hunt to find the brand of yogurt that makes the most delicious version of it. I always poo-poo'ed flavored yogurt as a poor substitute for real, delicious yogurt and thought that it did nothing to extinguish cravings for the real food flavor it had in it, but that was before I started trying new flavors. I am a convert!)

I just need to keep doing what I have started to do, all the time. Eat better, exercise more, keep attending meetings. Stay aware of the mental tricks my mind plays on me, stop thinking about food as a treat I have earned.

And most of all, I have to remember I can't wear the clothes in my closet, for the sole reason that I am eating too much and exercising too little. Is losing the wardrobe I worked so hard to rebuild really worth less than a damn toffee cookie to me?

No, it isn't.

6am. Time to turn on the Wii!